12 ways to restore a love of marriage

“The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator. By its very nature it is ordered to the good of the couple, as well as to the generation and education of children. Christ the Lord raised marriage between the baptized to the dignity of a sacrament (cf. CIC, can. 1055 § 1; cf. GS 48 § 1).”¹

Catechism of the Catholic Church, n. 1660

Marriage is a good. It is a good not just for the couple who find in each other a spouse, a helpmate, and someone to share good times and bad, but it is a good for the whole of society.

G.K. Chesterton is often quoted as saying, “[t]he most extraordinary thing in the world is an ordinary man and an ordinary woman and their ordinary children.”

This quote encapsulates that some of the most important things occur within the ordinary.

When a man and a woman commit to one another in marriage and strive day in and day out to seek the good of the other and to live up to their responsibilities, they contribute to the flourishing of society. Their love and commitment to one another provide a stable environment to welcome children, whose begetting and education are the primary ends of marriage.

Societies where marriage is valued as a good are inclined to flourish, providing an environment conducive to relative peace. Where marriage is denigrated and dismissed as an “old-fashioned idea” or simply a “piece of paper”, or in which it has become legal for marriage to be simulated between two people of the same sex, disorder reins and selfishness, confusion, hate, and agitation lead to a breakdown in civilization.

Saint Pope John Paul II rightly proclaimed that “the future of humanity passes by way of the family.”²

A stable and flourishing family that can influence the world is built on a solid marriage between one man and one woman who are committed to one another for life and are open to life.

Marriage on the decline

Unfortunately, marriage in New Zealand is on the decline. According to Statistics NZ, numbers peaked in 1971 when 27,201 couples married.

In 2022, the last year with complete data available, there were 18,375 heterosexual marriages registered, which represents a significant decline.*

Undermining the uptake of marriage, at least in part, is the passing of laws that allow for civil unions and so-called same-sex “marriage.”

Legal in New Zealand since 2005, civil unions have largely been entered into by same-sex couples. Numbers are low, peaking in 2006 with 375 civil unions recorded; just 78 of those were heterosexual pairings.  

Merely 33 civil unions were registered in New Zealand in 2022, the least since the legislation came into force. Interestingly, the majority of those unions were heterosexual (24).

In 2013, legislation was passed allowing people to enter into a same-sex “marriage”, resulting in a decline in civil unions for this group as marriage became the preferred option (210 “marriages” and 120 civil unions).³

Approximately 2% of all registered marriages each year are between people of the same-sex. On average, there are 411 of these simulated marriages yearly. In 2022, the total was 450.

With such a decline in men and women entering into the marital bond, and with the legal practices of civil unions and so-called same-sex marriage, there is much that needs to be done to help restore people’s faith in this bedrock of society.

*Note: The release by Statistics NZ reports on Marriages, Civil Unions, and divorces. Heterosexual marriage, same-sex unions (referred to as marriages by the State) and civil unions have erroneously been combined to a total of 18,858 registered to New Zealand residents. Of these, 450 were so-called same-sex “marriages”, and 6 were same-sex civil unions.

Restoring a love of marriage

A culture of life and a civilization of love requires a firm acceptance and embracing of marriage between a man and a woman. We are called to be counter-cultural – to swim against the tide to restore the proper order where marriage, family, and, importantly, life itself are respected and celebrated.

In his encyclical Casti Connubii – On Chastity in Marriage – Pope Pius XI explained, “…whatever things have deviated from their right order, cannot be brought back to that original state which is in harmony with their nature except by a return to the divine plan which, as the Angelic Doctor [St. Thomas Aquinas] teaches, is the exemplar of all right order.”⁴

As a society, we have deviated from the Divine Plan. How can we begin to rebuild?

MARRIED COUPLES:

1. Recommit to one another, to the indissolubility of marriage, and seek to live your married life according to the natural law.
2. Recommit your marriage to God, seeking his help to live out your duties as spouses faithfully. Nourish your love of and devotion to God, and frequent the sacraments to obtain grace.
3. Be led by the perennial teachings of the Church, whose wisdom leads all who follow in humility to true human flourishing.
4. Weed out from your marriage anything that is opposed to it, for example, contraception, pornography, and indecent reading material.
5. Be open to the gift of children and take responsibility for their Christian formation. Parents are the first educators of their children. Pass on faith and morals. Teach them how to live a virtuous life. Instruct them on how to defend their faith using reasoned arguments so that they may stand against the zeitgeist and draw others towards all that is true, good, and beautiful.
6. Celebrate wedding anniversaries, especially the more significant ones, with family and friends
7. Pastors preaching about the goods of marriage from the pulpit reinforce that faithful marriage is worth striving for.

WIDER COMMUNITY:

1. Pastors preaching about the goods of marriage from the pulpit reinforce that faithful marriage is worth striving for.
2. Provide excellent marriage preparation classes in dioceses and local parishes that form engaged couples in all the beauty and truths of Catholic marriage.
3. Set up networks where married couples take the time to mentor other married couples. Each stage of married life brings new joys and challenges. Walking alongside each other helps everyone to grow in wisdom.
4. Catholic schools and their staff should uphold marriage as being between one man and one woman, indissoluble and open to life. Such courageous teaching is vital even in the midst of a broken culture which impacts students and staff alike. Educators in Catholic schools must strive to live a life according to Catholic morality.
5. Refrain from attending same-sex ceremonies simulating marriage, even if it is for a close family member or friend.
6. Pray for married couples, engaged couples, and young people discerning their vocation.

Marriage is a true good, divinely instituted by God. When marriages are strong and committed, the family flourishes, as does all of society. 

Over many decades, marriage has been thought of as an unnecessary step to take in a relationship. Civil unions and same-sex unions try to convey that marriage can be many things, all contrary to what it is. The impact on families – most especially children – and society is unmistakable.  

Restoring a culture of life and a civilization of love requires each of us to work towards re-establishing an understanding of the good of marriage. Through faithfulness, example, and sound formation, marriage between ordinary men and women will, in time, again be desired and entered into by many. We must aim for this restoration which will provide a strong foundation in which families and society can flourish.

REFERENCES:
1. Vatican, Catechism of the Catholic Church (New South Wales:  St Paul’s, 1994), n. 1660.
2. John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio – On the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World (1981), n. 86.
3. “Marriages, civil unions, and divorces:  Year ended December 2022,” Information Releases, Statistics NZ, May 3, 2023, https://www.stats.govt.nz/information-releases/marriages-civil-unions-and-divorces-year-ended-december-2022/
4. Pius XI, Casti Connubii – On Chastity in Marriage (1930), n. 94.